Satire

Who Killed Off James Bond?

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Listen to this article over on Medium.com

Apparently Daniel Craig did due to his own ego

OPINION

This is my reaction to James Bond dying in a movie.

I found this out late in the game, from some YouTube vid commenting on it, and not seeing for myself because I never finished the movie un-aptly named, No Time to Die.

I shut it off in the middle, to resume later, on my Amazon Prime account, because I got bored I imagine.

But anywayā€¦

I just want you to know thatā€¦

When I was growing up James Bond didnā€™t die

Major super heroes sometimes died in comic books, sold down in the racks of the comic book store, or they changed costume colors or morphed and mutated or whatever;ā€™ but movies, seemed to me, a sacred space for franchise immortality.

When I was growing up we had heroes

Whether it was Luke Skywalker getting his hand sliced off by Darth Vader, so we could see him fight in two more movies ā€” - but what Iā€™m saying is, the main characters and mythical heroes of action movies rarely died, unless they were a robot, like The Terminator (Not to mention Arnold played a villain in that role)!

Dolph Lundgren has thoughts too

I found this quote from action hero Dolph Lungren:

ā€œIn those days comic strip characters were not looked at as big movie franchises. They were like little offshoots that people did, you know? So people werenā€™t quite as excited by it as they are now, with The Avengers and ā€” well, thereā€™s a new superhero picture opening up every week, Iā€™m losing count here. But in those days it was like, ā€˜Iā€™m gonna play this toy? I mean, OK.ā€™ā€

When it comes to good and evil in story tellingā€¦ good wins

But I guess things are just plain different now.

And it sucks a big one!

You know, maybe I have problems in relationships with women (but I doubt it! LOL!) because of watching early James Bond with Sean Connery and even Roger Moore.

Then there were all those Doctor Who episodes from back in the 80s where they objectified all his woman friends riding along with the good ole doctor in his Tardis, but personally, I sure as hell did not give a fokk about how women were portrayed in Doctor Who.

And no one else did either, mind you!

My childhood was wonderful

Not like I had anywhere else to turn to in those childhood days, but thankfully Tom Baker and several other ā€œdoctorsā€ in the series would keep me company at 11 pm or 12 am on a Friday or Saturday night, on some New Jersey or Long Island UHF channel, and there I would lose myself in some creepy (and of course looking at it now ā€” campy!) sci-fi fiction on the old fashioned Telly

Even Doctor Who can turn into a girl if heā€™s so inclined, right?

But does Daniel Craig really have a right to change up the James Bond franchise on a whim because heā€™s got his own ideas?

I donā€™t think Craig owns the franchise

On ā€œPeople Also Ask :ā€ ā€” looking up the question, Who owns the franchise of James Bond? on Google Search:

ā€œEON Productions Limited and Danjaq LLC are wholly owned and controlled by the Wilson/Broccoli family. Danjaq is the US based company that co-owns, with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, the copyright to the existing James Bond films and controls the right to produce future James Bond films.ā€

You know what, Daniel?

Why donā€™t you go star in and rewrite a Shakespeare play while youā€™re at it.

That was so brilliant!

Do you remember the James Bond skit with Daniel Craig and the queen in a helicopter during the Olympics opening preceding in London?

No, not even then sitting next to the Queen of England did Daniel Craig get the memo on how to act like a proper James Bond character, I guess.

He was even knighted

Not by the queen, but by Princess Anne according to when I looked it up on Google Search:

ā€œJames Bond star receives royal honor from Princess Anne. English actor Daniel Craig has been awarded a Companion of The Order of St Michael and St George ā€” the same honor held by his legendary fictional character James Bond.ā€

Did you know Daniel Craig had a death wish for his portrayal of James Bond all the way back to Casino Royal?

Here is a quote you might want to read from the man directly on a website called ScreenRant.

Daniel Craig said ā€œin a recorded conversation for Variety:ā€

ā€œI had this idea, I wanted to kill him off a long time ago ā€” in Casino Royale ā€” for all sorts of reasons. One, purely egotistical.ā€

But that was then and this is now

Talk about poetic license.

Since when do the actors write the script?

But I like Daniel Craig

Heā€™s a great actor, but you know what?

Iā€™ve only seen Layer Cake once, but Casino Royale Iā€™ve seen like three timesā€¦

Just like Iā€™ve seen Martin Scorsese movies, Quentin Tarantino and Oliver Stone movies, all of ā€˜em maybe, at least three times?

Just like Iā€™ve seen the first Taken movie with Liam ā€œFokkinā€ Neeson like three times!

But no, I have not seen ā€œKnives Outā€ on Amazon with Daniel Craig

In fact I believe I turned the first series off right away, after a couple of boring minutes, but Bautista? (Who stars in the new ā€œKnives Outā€ series with Daniel Craig at the time of this writing) I might want to watch him.

Daniel Craig is really good as James ā€œFokkinā€ Bond

Heā€™s tough, heā€™s fit, heā€™s dirty yet cleans up nicely when he needs to wear a tux, he runs fast after criminals, he gets beat up real bad and heā€¦ dies?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He doesnā€™!

Heā€™s supposed to survive it all because heā€™s the good guy!

The quote from Craig on ScreenRant continues on:

ā€œI feel like I needed to end what I did on it. I would be only satisfied if I could walk away and there was nowhere else for that to go, that someone else would have to come along and invent something completely different.ā€

The James Bond franchise is perfectly capable of reinventing the character of James Bond, Mr. Craig, without you!

Theyā€™ve only been doing it since the 1960s!

What the fokk, Man?

How on earth does Daniel Craig not understand that fans need a hero like James Bond?

Honestly though, I believe there is a place in entertainment hell for hot shots and unchecked, egocentric celebrities who fokk around with our superheroes.

Just stick with the fokkinā€™ script

When the fans donā€™t get what they want they donā€™t go see the movie or TV show or whatever, and thatā€™s just the way it will always be ā€” -the almighty dollar rules.

Not a damn thing is funny about money

And all these studios who seem to be willing to fokk everything up now-a-days (at the time of this writing)!

Just look at ā€œThe Balenciaga Scandalā€ and how they focused on truly sick ideas instead of on beauty.

Like have you ever seen a Greek statue?

Our lives suffer when icons and moguls throw you-know-what against the wall to see if it sticks.

Personally, Iā€™m well aware that itā€™s called ā€œprogrammingā€ and like many others whoā€™ve attended comic cons and fan shows ā€” -I welcome it.

Iā€™ve been to a couple of cons myself and can clearly see what a true fan is and usually, you just see a wholesome and even harmless atmosphere whether you are a fan thatā€™s young or even old.

But the people in charge of the entertainment industry just canā€™t see this as clearly as you and I can.

Tragedy and comedyā€¦ itā€™ really just that easy

The entertainment industry provides certain necessary propaganda that goes back to the traditional plays performed in the Roman Coliseum, Shakespeareā€™s famous Globe theater, and even ancient tribes sitting around a bonfire in dark, dark forests.

We need the entertainment industry to understand this, all over again, it seems, because they are not very educated on it (should we blame academia like UCLA film programs?).

Bring It Back

They need to carry the torch that came directly from that bon fire or camp fire our ancestors built to sit around and tell stories at night, in a sacred space that only fire holds; all that mystery and awe in its hypnotic orange flame.

A Second Opinion

DJ Reetz is a cannabis journalist, editor and writer.

Follow him on Twitter @deejtweetsgood

He gave us his opinion about James Bond dying, too:

ā€œOh no, they killed James Bond. Or they killed the sixth guy to play him. A shocking end to Daniel Craigā€™s 15-year run with the character, I guess. But really, who gives a shit? Is this really the end of the franchise? Doubtful. Seems likely James Bond will be back with a future reboot that reflects the even grittier sensibilities of a society even further in decline, and chances are I wonā€™t give a shit when it happens. It will be another goofy action movie that takes itself far too seriously; a movie in which nothing happens for any discernible reason other than the need to get to the next exciting set piece. Maybe this time the bad guy wonā€™t have a fucked up facial deformity, or Bond will bang a fat chick, or 007 will be a black woman (I bet that would piss off all the chuds too stupid to get mad about anything worthwhile). Maybe in this one heā€™ll get shot and not just shrug the bullet wound off like it was a stubbed toe, and heā€™ll spend the last frantic moments of his life trying to hold inside the blood and viscera pouring from the gaping hole in his body. The next Bond movie will either be one more attempt at making this ridiculous premise feel grounded, or it will be a self-aware goof-fest that makes us all wish it was just a new Austin Powers flick instead. Or maybe Hollywood has realized that this profitable franchise has outlived its creative lifespan and theyā€™ll decide not to make any more money from it. Either way, who gives a shit?ā€

DJ Reetz

Conclusion

They need to give us what we want.

Weā€™re fokkinā€™ waitingā€¦.

References:

Dolph Lundgren reflects on He-Man stint as 'Masters of the Universe' turns 35: 'It was weirdā€¦

There have been so many G.I. Joe, Transformers, Power Rangers, Lego and Toy Story movies that most actors probablyā€¦

https://screenrant.com/no-time-die-bond-death-ending-daniel-craig/

5 One Liners for Poor People on Dates

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Listen to this gosh darn blog post over on medium.com/goshdarnblog

No money, no honeyā€¦not funny!

  1. ā€œThe last time I got a date they were on sale at the grocery store!ā€
  2. ā€œGreat idea! But you wouldnā€™t believe this if it werenā€™t trueā€¦ Iā€™m allergic to expensive Sushi restaurants!ā€
  3. ā€œWhen I look into your eyes I see my broke, empty bank account futureā€¦ā€
  4. ā€œYeah, but why drive out to the movie theater when we got a good ole fashioned digital antenna over at my house?ā€
  5. At Home Dinner Date Scenarioā€” ā€œWelcome! How do you feel about ramen? Want something to drink? Water it is!"

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Yes, I Wear a Man Purse

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Listen to this gosh darn blog post over on Medium.

Iā€™ve tried to ignore it, but I canā€™t anymore . . . Iā€™ve been wearing a man purse!

I own a bag with a bunch of smiley faces on it and on the front of the bag it says SmileTrainInside the SmileTrain bag is my tablet, a pair of headphones, and maybe some DVDs from the library I checked out, but not much else, really.

Then I started using the bag as a purse.

Everybody knows the joke from the movie The Hangover with Zach Galifianakis.

Oh, Iā€™d say to myself. Did I just buy a chocolate bar I need to save for later?

And I would think how convenient it was to have my SmileTrainbag in that moment.

Then there was the time I spilled coffee on my T-shirt in public and went to the bathroom to take that shirt off and button up my button up . . . that was convenient too.

Tonight thereā€™s snow outside and I sit in this coffeehouse listening to renditions of the most popular Lorde song sung by two young bearded guys with glasses and winter caps, a duo called Stone Heart, with a thumpy drum, an electric guitar, and a microphone and of course my feet are wet because I didnā€™t wear my galoshes and instead Iā€™m in my Walmart brand sneakers so I take my socks off and itā€™s in this moment I realize when I place my folded up elastic socks inside my SmileTrain bag . . . I wear a man purse!



Should I get rid of it?

Why on earth would I do that? My positivity coach gave it to me! Do you understand? My positivity coach gave me a bag which says SmileTrain on it!

But what I really want to know is are teenagers going to make fun of me when they see me walking down the street?

Click Here for your Guide To Starting And Running A Profitable Blog! Yes, blogging is profitable.

These are the consequences I must face.

Have you ever asked a girl if she would carry something for you? Every male has done this to a woman because if it wasnā€™t your girlfriend it was with your mother, grandmother, sister or aunt.

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By the way, in any zombie apocalypse the person who owns a purse carries the ammo and thatā€™s a very important position.

A bag is very useful, you see.

But If anyone ever asks Iā€™ll just say, Itā€™s for my Tablet.



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